all the housekeeping ladies noticed how he lit up when I walked in the room. the other side was so gentle and sweet, but alcohol and drugs and lies do something to people. you go from friends and lovers to enemies with regrets. I saw it in his eyes when he left, but that's not the way it was supposed to be.
that kind of thing only happens once in a long while, displacing reality into another realm where differences of opinion don't matter and all those things you do to get under each other's skin are a great source of laughter until you realize that you might be in love.
then it hurts. then you see the ugly side. then the truth comes out and you watch that person run away after insisting so many times that honesty is what matters to them the most.
fact is, nobody was playing a role here.
the honest, beautiful moments make me wonder if fate is a real thing and maybe he'll come back someday a better man---stable, healthier, happier. the past doesn't matter all that much, nor do those mistakes people make when they're too scared to admit how they feel.
sometimes you spend years and years being so careful with your heart and then that one person comes along to remind you that it's ok to be a little wreckless.
I guess it's called a fling for a reason.
even the cleaning lady thinks I'm Q but ma'am this isn't a telenovela...is it?
the real nail in the coffin was when a drunk Albanian guy said, "you looked so pretty swimming in the water" and the Israeli responds, "she'd look prettier underwater."
nobody cares right 
how is this random ass album so good
https://open.spotify.com/album/1DInr1e5tIB0WioPuWg4nl?si=ED1RvyWvTFWUWWhPzhZaoQ
I medium-boiled the eggs he left me and gave them to other men don't ever fuck with me like that again bruh
it all started when I said, "I'm the only one who makes money off of me and anyone who has made money off of me but hasn't paid me is gonna have issues." the man was stunned. for the next 24 hours, he made sure to keep the kitchen knife close in case I walked in.
someone said that he has the tendency to pace around staring into the void like a zombie; has been around junkies of all kinds but this guy was on another level. my observation: he's in the business of Making Arrangements if you know what I mean.
problem is, one night I said that any man who does these sorts of things deserves Consequences. any man who tries to do these things to me, especially, needs to check himself before he wrecks himself.
nobody---especially not some Aladdin ass street rat---is going to make a commission or fee off of introducing me to people who I could very well meet on my own. but here he was, thinking he'd found a little golden goose to...pimp, maybe?
last night I straight said he could do whatever business he wanted but he's not gonna do it here. talking about bad reputations and how this place seems to hate him, all the drama with the Latinos. and he, get this, he purportedly SAVED MY LIFE???
like. the gall.
one thing I've noticed about the Sinking Ships of Small Businesses is that there's no real plan to improve the state of things, so there's a lot of petty politics internalized and often shifted onto the lowest level employees.
but hey, new chairs.
btw. what's that syndrome called when you don't respond to a man right away and he starts thinking the most terrible things about you?
I'm not sure it actually has a name but I do know that it's an object constancy problem but for intimacy.
that's why it's important to always be present in a child's life if you're gonna have one.
first of all, he looked like something out of a movie. in a place like this, you know he's a Very Important Man. the place was literally surrounded and it was a very tense vibe.
the Israeli has eyes. he can see. but he's never seen it happen like that. I'm sorry it had to be that way but only God knows why things happen the way that they do.
"just take your W and get on with it." I am. but don't beg me to intervene like Mipha's Grace when the streets start contorting and all that has come due is now finally due.
it's not about money and everybody knows that. it's about legacy and that the good ones never really walk alone, although it may seem to be the case for a while.
most fucked up people on the planet are the ones who killed little kids in combat believing that they were dirty terrorists only to have to look at your own child and wonder what really makes the difference.
they do be trying to link things to you, don't they?
intent? I intend on not being eaten by animals.
I mean, isn't it a little strange that the one person lurking here, living here, is a Sephardic Israeli Jew who's fucked up enough in the head to sit on a balcony staring into the void for months on end...? like he was waiting and waiting. observing everyone and everything.
anyways, the attraction was instant, and I don't take these things lightly because I'm pretty well-armed emotionally, especially in new environments. he's used to combat, needs the intellectual stimulation.
back in Israel, decades ago, he served in a unit that runs in tandem with the highest military intelligence unit aside from Mossad. did four years and called it quits, got married and became a father.
the marriage fell apart because he's more devout than her, and to this day, he seems to remain devout. I question this because it all seems very much like a rules and regulations game. he talks about the benefits of being a Jew all the time.
we did have quite the debate about the current state of things early on, and I was clear that I don't agree with Israel's actions in Gaza, explained Zionism, and expressed my skepticism that Palestinians are all just Muslim terrorists.
this is the tension between us, plus the fact that people are constantly watching us interact. like I said, the Latinos have opinions about him, regardless of how they feel about the Holocaust or Jews or Israel.
it's almost like, in the end, the Jewish Card has been restricted in play and responded to with "we're sorry that happened" and "we dont want it to happen again" and "it's not a valid excuse anymore".
he's on day five of a bebido bender.
on the bright side, he hasn't talked about Israel in days. a former IDF soldier who can't look me in the eye since the night I made him jealous on purpose.
I thought he fucked a big Italian woman on his birthday after I left the bar and walked home alone. I didn't want to see them flirting. she's kinda gross and messy. his *actual* type, I guess.
he didn't do it, but might as well have.
next morning, a polish man enters the scene and falls in love almost instantly. that night, we all go out to dance and there's some major chemistry. I get a little revenge - two can play that game amirite.
the soldier is big mad. he looks like an Israeli version of the artist formerly known as Prince. when we have a minute alone, he kisses me, and says that if I do that one more time he won't kiss me ever again.
we sit in a bathtub at 3am, very drunk, and he holds me while I sob about our miscommunication. the drama's been unfolding for days as he can't quite stomach that other men love me.
he doesn't want a relationship. fuck my life.
next day, I go on a date with the polish man, who won't stop fixating on some imaginary future we might have together. we drunkenly said we'd get married in exactly one year the night before, but I hate him now.
I return to this drunk Israeli man, who's so happy that I didn't fuck the polish guy. the dude was boring AF under the harsh light of sobriety. the Israeli's a complex and complicated disaster. do I love him??
it's not really a secret, but all the other men are agitated now. the setting isn't exactly right for normal interactions anyway and I guess that's what makes it exciting and also really cringe.
I can't believe I give two fucks about a guy who only eats kosher hot dogs and frozen pizza. he raised a son well into adulthood but he's like a teenager himself, self-obsessed and erratic. I enjoy his stories about being a dad.
for like four days straight all he ate was kosher cacao powder straight out of a can, so I started making him fried rice. he felt like I was mothering him. he complained about my overuse of butter.
I stopped cooking for him altogether. now he hates that other men cook for me and buy me food. the fuck is wrong with that??? saw me playing my Nintendo Switch during work and said he *hates* that I play video games.
fuck his life.
obviously, all of this is besides the point and occuring in an alternate reality. I'm not here to fall in love with a guy who writes down his credit card numbers in a notebook and swears he isn't a gigolo.
tbh, I already forgot why I came here at all. the Latino locals at the cafe next door think he's trash. he won't even go over there to ask for ice. they want to rescue me from him like in West Side Story.
it's not funny, but he thinks being a Jew is like a prophylactic for unwanted scrutiny. I want to do a serious background check on him. he's probably not a bad person, just messed up in the head from a couple wars.
I know these types well and I swore to myself that I'd never get involved with one. God and the Devil are raging inside of him. I'd rather not get in the middle of that. he's just so frail and so staunch about everything.
I'm pretty sure love will break him.
it's over, I think.
*except when you become what you aren't paying attention to.
I've been observing the local alcoholics.
they form bonds faster than anyone and follow each other around everywhere. it's obvious that they haven't really slept much in days, maybe weeks, and they can't stop not sleeping.
even when there's literally nothing of value to say to each other, they sit there and crack open one bottle after the other. I don't know how they do it because I get sick of people after like four hours.
how do I look so good for my age? well, I stopped drinking at 25 and rarely ever drink anything except water and coffee. it's never worth it to fall in love at the club. alcohol makes people do the stupidest shit.