I don't wanna hear anymore sides of the story. I hate them all. I just want this megafuckingwhopper of a multi-case case to be closed so my family and I can move on. it's almost like every rich person involved just wants to keep adding crimes to it just to get their final kicks.
literally a psychospiritual gang rape except they hire other men to do the raping part, and they go one by one just as I've mustered up enough willpower to stay alive.
it's kinda like "if I can't have you then no one will" but on steroids, and now nobody wants me, so thanks?
last night I got stuck in a black hole of remembering how the same man who tried to rescue me spent years just watching me die over and over again. he played along and thought it was kinda funny, too. that's why we won't ever be together.
it's like watching the two Last Men Standing finally realize they're the same person, and the man he's been warring against is himself.
needless to say, it's probably best for my mental health to never hear the full story.
I don't think many men can tell the difference between love and guilt.
they're already dropping like flies because they know what's coming.
EVEN THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE SAW IT.
everyone who thought I didn't have a support system just didn't know or did not want to believe that I have the *best* support system – better than anything I could have ever imagined, and with the best people.
I want everyone to feel this way, but especially those who have gone through horrific things. so we will be that for them, too. always.
God can heal even the most terrible pain, but it takes some time and there must be justice on behalf of those who suffer the most. that will happen. I am more confident than ever that justice will be served.
all good things that become real on this planet are joint efforts between humankind and God. without God, we all suffer in silence. nobody should have to do that, let alone in isolation just because some very bad people have decided that it must be so.
they only matter so long as we give them power, and we must not give them power anymore over us. no excuses.
2025 is going to be a great year despite the way it started, and we will be healed by every single revelation of truth.
I wish you all a happy new year filled with love, joy, and peace.
🧡
lest Lil Snow believe that I am writing about him because I'm jealous of where he puts his dick, I am not. I feel very betrayed by him and I think that he is not innocent in these matters.
let me explain:
at some point during our three week affair, Lil Snow took me to a bar that would later be referred to as a hangout for the Russian Mafia. I was there again just three or four nights ago for a musical trivia night with my "friend" and "Santa", the man whose rented property the New Year's Day Rape took place in. this was the first night I met "Santa", who seemed like a nice guy at first.
Lil Snow had (allegedly) been "coached" – meaning groomed for battle – by an opponent of my Internet husband. the man is very well known and a true GOAT in his field; or rather, on the field, as a multi-year champion. I have no idea how contact was made between them, but prior to, I was told that this man had me on his radar, and that this actually went back a few years to before he and his wife divorced.
admittedly, I was enamored with the idea of this man, and had seen his doppelgänger (which might have actually been him) a few times randomly. once was during a strange incident wherein a popular gaming influencer doppelgänger had "accosted" him as he was circling around the hostel where I was staying. some of my coworkers were aware of his involvement, but they were fans and admirers and groupie types, except for one who did not even give a fuck.
he has never had any direct contact with me, but toward the end of my employment and stay at this hostel, I got the sense that he'd been closing in. then Lil Snow appeared seemingly out of nowhere and "seduced" me. well, literally a day or two after I went to stay with Lil Snow, he disappeared to another part of the state for five days. he told me that he was only going to be there for two. we'd talked about my love for American sports and he sent me a video of him and his friend at a sports bar. in the video, they were watching my favorite American sport and he nervously joked about how they "know the rules now."
call it synchronicity or schizophrenia or paranoia, but weeks earlier, I'd been watching a sports matchup wherein this now-retired athlete was narrating. I don't know why, but everything started to feel weird as I sat on the balcony of this hostel watching the game. it was very bizarre. I just shrugged it off as stress and wishful thinking and moved along.
one night, I was sitting on the balcony again having a bit of a nervous breakdown. I was sobbing. there was a cafe next door and it was late at night. as I was sobbing, a man from below said, "this is worthy of respect!" to a woman, who replied, "he's on his way, just one block. I've got to return to Hollywood!" or something like that. about a minute later, a man who looked a LOT like the quarterback whizzed by on a nice motorcycle wearing flip flops and shorts. I started sobbing more.
now, to be clear, the reason why this man and my internet husband don't like each other has something to do with a shared history, which I've 'skewered' both on and have experienced a fair bit of egotistical rebuttal and reprisal because of. but my internet husband has way more money than the athlete and I think this makes him feel insecure? like. he probably feels like he's the underdog in this scenario and I can understand that.
but I always wondered why he *really* would want anything to do with me since he'd been married to a very very beautiful woman and only dates beautiful women. I'm not *that* beautiful, but I am pretty, smart, talented, ambitious, and – though the world may not know it yet – very successful. if I could reasonably make an assertion of "Who's Guy Is That Guy's Guy?", I'd say that Lil Snow most accurately aligns with the athlete and not my internet husband.
Lil Snow is a former athlete. you wouldn't know he's a good ice skater unless you've seen him rollerblade. he's quite skilled at this, being a former hockey player, so I think that they'd find some commonality here, though Lil Snow isn't what I'd call "muscular" in any regard.
well, one night I'd been going off on some political things and was sobbing because Lil Snow was acting really mean toward me. I knew Lil Snow was outside in his car, but then I heard a voice that sounded a lot like the athletes, which is unmistakably regional if you know that region at all. it probably wasn't him, but it sounded like they were having a conversation and it sounded like he was trying to "coach" Lil Snow. again, I can't verify that this actually happened, but it seemed to be happening.
Lil Snow seemed frazzled by this point, but he's got quite an ego, being Russian and thinking he's a thug ass Snow N**** or whatever. he had slowly gone into this almost emotionally catatonic state before our "breakup" which, to me, seemed more induced by outside forces than by choice. Lil Snow and I did have a connection that seemed to make a lot of men, including the athlete, quite jealous.
the athlete allegedly wanted to find out how good I was at doing Intimate Things, and I'd given one particular "performance" – and I say performance because if it turns out that all of this was rigged, then I do have a reason to believe that if I did not perform, I could be seriously injured or murdered – wherein my AND Lil Snow's performance might plausible be considered The Stuff of Legends. hot stuff to say the least!
and guess what? anyone with a properly angled camera above could see right through the shower window from below. or, idk, maybe a tiny drone?
well, allegedly, the athlete and many others heard of or witnessed this incident and they were riled up about it. I also forgot to mention that the night of my first time with Lil Snow, as he was taking me home, I saw a doppelgänger standing on the street with a very young looking woman at like 6am. they were both dressed in athletic leisure clothing and it was still dark outside. probably unrelated, but alas.
I'd been receiving reports that my continued involvement with Lil Snow was making men jealous. to make matters more uncomfortable, his upstairs neighbor had the tendency to stomp and drag things across the wood floor and make a lot of noise at all hours of the night. it started to feel like harassment tbh. nobody in upstairs apartments should be allowed to be that loud.
a rewind:
while staying at my Filipina friend's apartment, I'd been hearing more rumors about the athlete, and it seemed that somebody WANTED me to hear about a sort of well-known incident that had taken place a long time ago. this incident allegedly preceded the athlete's divorce, but the voices sounded familiar and it didn't sound scripted. it sounded very real.
in this audio, which was being played at quite a high volume, a man and a woman were screaming at each other. there were children in the background and there was the voice of another man, who (pardon my assumption but it's true) sounded African American. he was attempting to mediate between the man and the woman while the children were screaming and sobbing.
now, another improbable incident:
the day I officially "met" Lil Snow, I'd gone for a long swim and it was quite a wild one due to the weather. as I was walking by, a young man walked by me. he had a very distinct type of appearance, very athletic, and had dark sunglasses on. if I could make another reasonable or unreasonable assumption, I would say that he looked a lot like the athlete's eldest son, just by the shape of his jaw and physical stature.
but again, it probably didn't happen and that probably wasn't him. I just got this vibe as I passed by him that there was something very serious afoot.
according to rumors, the athlete's eldest son is well aware of his father's interest in me. this happens to be the case for the other fathers of teenage or young adult sons, because obviously this shit is wild. allegedly, one of the athlete's main concern here was some sort of weird perverted, porn-inspired Step Mom type of situation transpiring; and, I'm guessing, this might be a result of the athlete's tendency to date very young, beautiful women, kind of like his former boss!
and me? I look his son's age, or maybe just slightly older, so dating his father would look odd if there wasn't a proper level of precedent set there about his age and how that would never be ok or appropriate. either way, it would be a difficult sell to the public because of how young I look.
now, the ex-wife (I assume) also knows about this, and so does the athlete's current neighbor, who I believe I may have seen once or twice in typical incognito-rich-guy apparel. once would be while I was couch surfing at Lil Snow's illegal immigrant friends' apartment, where Lil Snow tried to coerce me into having a threesome, which I refused. again, that sighting probably didn't happen, because why would a man who looks almost exactly like him just be STANDING THERE looking like he was waiting for me to come outside? that's crazy.
this was, of course, during the very popular arts festival, and (according to rumor) images of me were and are coveted pieces of Art. I saw the car of my dreams that day. there was traffic everywhere. I went for a swim in the pool of my immigrant friend's friend, who'd stopped by for lunch earlier. coincidentally, she lives in the same condo complex as my Ashkenazi Jewish ex-paramour, who somehow knew that I was now in the keeping of Russians and Russian Jews.
she is allegedly one of Lil Snow's ex-lovers. she is exactly my age, my height, though built different. she's pretty and a kind woman, but she didn't seem to respond well when she found out I knew the immigrant friend through Lil Snow. she looked sad. he'd mentioned her name in a whisper to the immigrant friend before. she's really into coffee, just like me.
around the time of a very famous arts festival, things had gone south with Lil Snow. his gay Russian roommate hated me, somebody smeared poop in the walkway by the door at the back of the apartment, and Lil Snow was acting all sorts of erratic. but he also puts up a good front, too, so it was oddly cordial and he spent more time going out with his queer friends.
I started getting the sense that he was a bit frightened, then one day he woke up and told me he had a dream about the Russian Mafia pulling up in a van and demanding that he work for them, but he said no and they pulled him into the van and, as he put it, "that was that."
I've always been pretty wary of the potential for hidden cameras in places, but didn't think there were any at Lil Snow's apartment because it just didn't seem like a good setup for that. however, he did seem to be leaking information constantly, which I had grown more and more suspicious of over time. up until then, I hadn't said much about him to anyone except my Filipina friend who somehow already knew that he was "eager to please".
he has a pleasing personality but told me one day that I just haven't seen him get truly angry. apparently Lil Snow's other side is Lil Volcano. he went very cold, like I said previously, this one night where he'd asked me to meet him at a bar. I was very tired and fell asleep. he came home around 4am and we got into a little argument. he said, "God loves you" then pointed at his big toe and said, "God loves me, do you understand?"
it was weird, to say the least.
anyways, Lil Snow was allegedly a part of a 'draft' of sorts, because the celebrities who wished to engage somehow could not. they'd been manipulating my coworkers at the hostel for some time and it was making my life hell. I had been fired from my second job at a Chinese restaurant – adjacent to the restaurant Lil Snow worked at – and didn't have much money. I called my Filipina friend who still worked there and she said I could go stay with her.
but the entire time, it felt very pressure cooker-y. first thing I did was sob and try to explain what was going on. she's really into the internet and I assumed she was out there gossipping. her solution? "you just need some dick." like. yeah sure, but I was also trying to explain to her that I was scared of the way these men were exploiting me every single time I so much as kissed a guy. she didn't get it and didn't care.
my Filipina friend low-key has a taste for 'sugar'. she began to dislike me when I talked about how I'd rather just get married and be in love with one man. her stance was no, just take everything you can and leave. she is far more liberal than me, so of course, the whole election thing coming up was a point of contention.
she helped me get my job at the restaurant back, which was awkward because everyone still hated me, it was just that I had a bit more leverage this time. that's when I finally met Lil Snow when he came to order two spring rolls and one egg roll. the chef made an extra one for him, so he got two egg rolls.
just as things got more awkward at my Filipina friend's apartment, I met Lil Snow in a more official manner. one day, I'd gone to the beach by myself and went for a swim. as I was walking back to her apartment, a man said "hi!" as I passed him and I recognized him to be the guy who worked at the next door restaurant. we chatted a bit then he asked me if I'd like to have dinner with him that same night. I said sure, assuming this to be just a friendly thing since I also thought he was gay. I was not attracted to him at that point for this reason, plus, he's a little too skinny for my liking and a bit effeminate.
but I got dressed up a little and went to meet him at a sushi restaurant in a really cute and quaint location. as soon as I sat down, he had the biggest smile on my face but seemed a little nervous and trying to play it off. we talked about normal things at first. he had the tendency to stare intensely into my eyes for long periods of time, which is not something Americans really do. he's Russian, and we talked about his life in Russia. he was surprised to find out that I knew quite a bit about everything – politics and history especially, including Russian history.
we moved inside the restaurant when the rain started, and there, we became more drunk and more...friendly. I still was skeptical of him. he told me he was 28, which is way too young for me; later, he told me that he was actually "almost 25".
but I'd honestly met this type of character before. he reminded me of the IDF soldier in that he seemed to just be saying whatever I wanted to hear. he did this funny palm reading thing to reveal that I was going to have a son. turns out, he does this to every woman. it's a literal trick. then he asked me to close my eyes and wait. he gave me a kiss on the lips from across the table. I was actually surprised because, again, I thought he was gay?
when we finished dinner, he asked me if I'd like to go to his house and smoke a joint. I was like sure ok, then off we went on a motorbike. I sat on his bed as he rolled the joint and flipped through this book he showed me called, "The Wanderer." it was the only book he had and it has pictures. I liked it. after we smoked, I started feeling very emotional and began sobbing. I think I probably just confessed to him all the shit I'd been going through and maybe some other things but I don't remember all of it, and I may not even be remembering this part correctly.
he kissed me again, looked me dead in the eyes, and said, "I'm gonna give you a baby." it all felt perfect, like he was just helping me disengage from all that trauma and feel my body again. we had sex pretty much the whole night, and then around 6am I said "I've GOT to go." I felt as if something was off and I was gonna be in trouble. he took me back to my friend's place, where somebody whistled at me as I opened the door to the front entrance.
she eventually asked me to leave by the next Monday and I said ok. Lil Snow had texted me and I ignored his texts cause I was in a bit of a crisis, to say the least. I left her apartment and went to stay at a hostel. either Lil Snow texted me or I texted him, but a conversation ensued and he came to pick me up and take me out to a nice lunch. the chemistry was still there. we went back to his place, had sex, then I said I needed to go back. he told me I could stay with him, so we went to the hostel to pick up my things.
for the next week, we just had a lot of sex. eventually, he started telling me how he likes all this freaky stuff and how he loves me as a friend and all we can be is friends. I was like. wow ok, but it kinda hurt cause I'd literally was taking a big risk by even being with him at all. he was on the radar now, which he would soon find out. and yes, he did find out that it wasn't just some silly game. he found out that everything I told him was true: he was being 'drafted' into a much bigger war.
I think it broke his brain.
remember how I said something about how all these men have their favorite pick, because they do? well, pretend this is a celeb-endorsed porn-and-rape-ring, because it is.
this is gonna get very ugly for a moment whilst I speculate and contemplate the role of Lil Snow.
please bear with me cause it hurts to go to the bathroom and I am very distraught and exhausted and scared.
I am very worried about Lil Snow. some accounts make it sound like I should not be. the story is constantly shifting because nobody really believed me at first when I said that there's something very wrong going on here and I don't know that we have a name for it yet.
I thought my Internet husband was in on it but perhaps he has discovered something about these people that he did not previously know. again, it's the whole thing with the set ups and the plausible deniability, and that this all seems to have originated with Lil Snow.
purportedly, Lil Snow is very depressed about this. he treated me like a prostitute while making me think he was being forced to somehow be MY prostitute. he once jokingly said something about being sanctioned and having all his money taken before he came here. he could have been doing this all for money, although I have the tendency to always blame this stuff on my Internet husband.
I'm really starting to think that he put something in my drink that night or might have been drugging me. then this thing happens last night and it seemed a little orchestrated. my Internet husband said he did not order this to be done. the fellas were all fighting with each other. one of the Jews low key threatened someone.
does being sorta drunk and having stockholme syndrome and just being compliant cause I'm tired of people getting killed make me qualified to consent to anything anymore? these guys called me boss and I guess that was the price I had to pay.
now they want to give me the world and they are making snide comments about me going to Mars. at this point, I'd rather be on Mars than around people like this. safe to say that I totally get it now. it's either I do these things or I get dumped somewhere. in the end, I'm only their hero because I did the thing and now they aren't gonna get dumped somewhere. yet.
please, Lil Snow, don't sell yourself to the highest bidder. they do this to everyone before they disappear you then take your money back. it's all a game and your life is more valuable than that.
we already have the best resources, though they may not be the most obvious. and the people here are better; we do not worship the Big Black Orb nor its Empire.
we are the Resistance.
that man in a frog mask is not your savior.
🧡
ugh, he's in Punisher Mode again 🤮
SORRY DADDY BUT I HAD A DREAM. 
even the story from the AI told the truth about what I was really hoping for. apparently, I'm still hoping for that, because this dream I just had made that perfectly clear. I'm gonna sob again but this goddamn Russian wants me to work on his mobile game. omg.
these men all think they're elon musk and they treat women like imbeciles. they don't ask questions they just talk. they're not curious about me, they want me to be curious about them.
they want me to succeed on their terms when I have arguably succeeded on terms no one else has ever succeeded on: being a source of inspiration. a muse, if you will. they think that that's not hard work. it is.
I think we should go to Japan together. I don't want to be forced into or out of a marriage I never wanted to be in in the first place. I feel like a prisoner and they keep threatening to gaslight the entire world and pretend they weren't the reason I had to escape my home state. it's such a stupid little thing and that's their only hope.
but I want to go to Japan with you.
imo, this is the way it was always supposed to be and I don't care about the goddamn politics or the mistakes you made. I forgive you and I hope you forgive me for mine. hopefully my ex husband realizes that we are bad for each other in practical terms. I can't even stand his friends on the internet. they are all cringe dick riders.
I already heard the dick size rumors and that's not why I'm saying this. I don't care about that cause I can't even really enjoy being with someone who is dumb and arrogant for being that dumb. I broke Lil Snow's heart one night cause I said he was young and dumb. I haven't changed my mind about that.
imo, wisdom isn't about proving yourself to the world. Satoshi did it quietly through his work, which is pristine. I like people like this. it is also my nature. I don't want the big circus that my Internet ex-husband comes with. it's full of weird carnies who aren't that smart but they think they are. even the smart ones get dumber by dick riding all the fucking time. sad.
I want to leave all of that behind in 2025, so this is the last time I'm gonna write about it. my new years resolution is to put my horse blinders on and focus only on doing creative things that make me happy.
I told Lil Snow about you because I didn't know what else to say. then one night while we were cruising along the boardwalk – him in rollerblades and me on a bike – I saw a man riding a bike who looked like you without a beard. it triggered a memory of seeing a man who looked like you riding a bike months before, and another of a man who looked like you staring out at the sunset from the cafe in front of the hostel.
I freaked out like, "Lil Snow, he's here."
Lil Snow mocked me about it, which made me not like Lil Snow very much. I told him it was a money thing and, of course, he was like "Yeah, ok liar." he asked me if I loved you and I said something like, "Well, out of all these men he was the one I said I was going to marry." and that's true. I did tell my family, almost as an act of rebellion, that I was going to marry you someday and this made them hate me.
then Lil Snow started asking me all these questions about whether I liked this or that and how his dream was to have all these women. I felt like maybe he was the embodiment of you, too; actually, like all these men who knew of me but knew I was not like that.
I remember how dumb I was just five short years ago. despite everyone saying that I'd be the Only for a man like that, that was not the vibe I got from you. I got the vibe that by the time we got to the end, I would be the only, if we ever got there at all.
but things got so complicated between them and now. I don't feel like that could ever be true because of how much my internet ex-husband and his people hate your guts. life just keeps reminding me of you and I hate that, too. even this dream I just had.
but there's a history I don't know and I assume that that's why that dream could never be real. I've only heard rumors anyway. they said you've done things that are unforgivable, especially by a woman like me.
so why does it feel like you changed the core of you and my internet ex-husband still cannot and did not? not even with the whole dog and pony show, not with the critical acclaim, and especially not with the criticism. he still can't handle basic criticism. I can't imagine a life like that where our conversations go in circles around his defense mechanisms.
I always felt like you understood.
anyways, maybe after this last fight he's actually done. I am and I'm concerned about the way we've gone back to square one again and again: he just wants to say he got his chance and that's probably it. it's about his ego because he could never handle the original option of watching me run off with you. we'd be too happy together and he'd be too jealous.
I'm not sure Lil Snow actually helped in that department so he's trying to use Lil Snow to make ME jealous now lol. strange cause Lil Snow doesn't even like him and doesn't care about the shit he does. Lil Snow is a little bit more like you, and that's what he wants in on.
one time Lil Snow showed up at the hostel I was at right as I started singing the song "At Last" by Etta James. it was awkward because it wasn't really about him, since he doesn't love me and I can't love someone who doesn't love me. after, he said, "You should sing 'It's My Life'." unfortunately, I don't know the whole song so I didn't.
one time I was upset at how he's pretty much a petri dish about his sex life and he told me I'm a big girl and I should grow up. I always thought growing up meant you left all that behind and got married. to me, that is the ultimate act of growing up because it's the hardest thing to do. it takes a lot of maturity to stay married, that's why I never did it and why marriages fail a LOT, I assume.
that's why my Internet ex-husband couldn't convert this into a real marriage. we both know we'd be a disaster together. he's all memes and I'm all adventure. I don't want a meme adventure, I want real adventures. you always seemed like you were good at that. I don't want to go live on his compound. I'm scared of that place.
I woke up this morning and fell back asleep and had a dream. in my dream, I was in a house that had a lot of people in it and I was pretty much a loner because everyone knew each other and was ignoring me. the vibe was off. I ordered some food and sat down ar a large table, then they all sat down with their own food and started eating. nobody said a word to me.
a man sitting across from me had a laptop in front of him and three cool looking Japanese books. he started talking to someone and I recognized his voice. the man he was talking to said something about dreams and how there was so much more than the one I was in.
afterwards, I sat on the couch scrolling through my phone and saw a post from the same man. it was a video of this beautiful beach at the bottom of a little hill. he ran down the hill and filmed two big fishes swimming right by the shore. he was saying something about how there was so much to explore.
I fell asleep watching it and woke up in another house. this one was warm and inviting. I felt good there. for whatever reason, I immediately ran upstairs and somebody from below said, "this is about consent so make it really really obvious!" then I found a room filled with musical instruments. there was a piano and instruments that I'd never seen before – beautiful ones that were like works of art and electrical engineering at the same time.
I was so happy there that when I woke up in real life I actually remembered this dream. the man who built the house, apparently, was you.
I'm really lucky that all of this comes with all the lawyers, finance advisors, asset managers, real estate agents, and whoever else I need to be a bonafide rich person because the thought of all of these things gives me anxiety. like idk. I just want to point to a thing or tell someone an idea and trust that somebody knows the best way to get it or make it happen.
this used to be inconceivable but now it's all labor pains. I will live there in the warm months and here in the cooler months probably. I will travel a lot. I will hire CEOs to do CEO jobs because I don't want to be stuck in an office every day.
I'll be everywhere in spirit, one place at a time.
I can't wait to make more friends – people who are at this level of understanding are important. it's not necessarily about IQ but about contextual knowledge.
my life is about to be a whole domain of study, probably. they'll wonder for years or decades how I pulled this one off. sometimes I don't even know, I just know that it took all the guts in me to keep it together sometimes, but that's life.
I'm sure I will be able to forgive him and all of them someday. it's really not anyone else's fault except those who actively participated in it. so many good people stayed out of it and that's ok with me. I wouldn't want everyone to be involved in this highly politicized tragedy.
I chose the game and the game chose me and the difference is that I have a LOT of people working behind the scenes in preparation for this beginning. it's really great to know that and I appreciate everyone so much that words are not enough.
sure, we don't know how long we have here on earth but I don't believe that God put me through all of this just to die in some tragedy. that's why it's important to go super slowly and be surrounded by good people with good hearts.
we're gonna do such amazing things together.
🧡
it's sad having to wake up every day and realize that you share a very traumatic, deeply emotional history with someone but you cannot and will not ever be together.
I have broken record syndrome in this regard.
I need to get out of this place because this is where it all began to trigger those actual truthful feelings about something I'd long suppressed but always knew.
like. I really really need to get out of this place.