« Get real", they tell me
If only they knew how real this life really gets
They would stop acting like a silly bitch
They would respect the cock whether or not they believed in it »
« They love the taste of blood
Now I don't know what that means, but I know that I mean it
Maybe they're as evil as they seem
Or maybe I only look out the window when it's scenic »
« The prospect of having to cope with all this until I die is a lot. I often want to give up. It’s like the concepts of this world and me being in it are at war with each other and I’m fighting just to keep my feet rooted on the ground. So I say that ‘I can’t cope with life’. »
« It’s like I am wading across a lake which goes on for forever. I can see people at the other side of the lake. I try to wave and get closer to them. But the more steps I take, the further they move away. I can’t reach them. They understand each other. I am left out »
« My existence and the world just seem incompatible with each other. There are constant barriers every day that I can’t seem to overcome. The world itself just doesn’t seem like it’s made for me. »
Autistic burnout/meltdown.
PTSD/cPTSD is a bitch. My subconscious is convinced I’m about to go through trauma. So it makes me relive all past traumas in the hope I’ll find clues on how to avoid it. It feels unavoidable so the thoughts come back again and again and again… At the logical level, I understand what is happening. At the emotional level the suffering and dysfunctions are uncontrollable. I’m more and more convince the subconscious is right. Trauma is on his way, again. It’s unavoidable, it’s happening and only the proof is missing.
Over the past days I have deleted many unpublished long notes. The cage is tight, autism flaring up, repetitive thoughts, repetitive actions, I feel trapped. Trapped by all the lies around me. Probably yours too.
Have you seen a piece of me? I have left them in all the things and people I got lost into over the years. If you found one, could you send it back please, there isn’t really much left.
I was leaving nostr to avoid the public meltdown. Here it comes anyway.
https://youtu.be/nXWuCSN4Do8?si=IaYHlU14SN-3H-Kn nostr:note1we6e42xa3qlhyqe2qczmq8vnqu7s985vc0rmdacnkdj95fr34kcqe2fuqz
