Does he speak Latin or did he just have his teeth out?

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! -- Jack Handey

Mientras el gobierno y las leyes subvienen a la seguridad y al bienestar de los hombres sociales, las letras y las artes, menos dspotas y quiz ms poderosas, extienden guirnaldas de flores sobre las cadenas de hierro que los agobian, ahogan en ellos el sentimiento de la libertad original para la cual parecan haber nacido, los hacen amar su esclavitud y los transforman en lo que se ha dado en llamar pueblos civilizados. La necesidad Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Discurso sobre las ciencias y las artes

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. -- Groucho Marx

Humanity is the earth’s nerve-endings through which planetary vibrations are received for transmission. ― George Gurdjieff

Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and Irish Political History".

Yo momma is so stupid that she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the box.

For the run-time caching, I was going to suggest "cached" (doh!), but perhaps "once" is more meaningful to ordinary people. -- Larry Wall in <199709021812.LAA12571@wall.org>

Script: a small segment of someone’s shell history

Confidence in others' honesty is no light testimony of one's own integrity. ~ Michele de Montaigne

The man who never alters his opinions is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind. ~ William Blake

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and put him at the head of the procession. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Just because some jackass is an atheist doesn't mean that his prophets and gods are any less false.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -- George Carlin

As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has—or ever will have—something inside that is unique to all time. It's our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression. ~ Fred Rogers

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. -- H. L. Mencken

Analemma A shape like a slender, elongated figure eight, observed by astronomers who track the way the sun's apparent movement across the sky varies from day to day over the course of a year. ~ From the glossary of 'Anathem' by Neal Stephenson

So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"

"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary of her blonde companion. "Fishing through the ice," she replied. "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" "Olives."

A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.