Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed like hours. "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel and went back to where his companion was waiting. "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife and the other's my mistress!" "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back before reaching the green. "What's wrong?" Bill asked. "Small world, isn't it?"

I know how to get the hostesses released! Give them their own television series!

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.

More than iron More than lead More than gold I need electricity I need it more than I need lamb or pork or lettuce or cucumber I need it for my dreams ~ Racter (The Policeman’s Beard is Half Constructed)

There are trivial truths and there are great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true.

An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *___not* a murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."

And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, "is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and he shouted out, "YOPP!" And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect them. No matter how small-ish!" -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"

Two important characteristics of maps should be noticed. A map is not the territory it represents, but, if correct, it has a similar structure to the territory, which accounts for its usefulness. ~ Alfred Korzybski

The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries #61 Don't bring big grenades into small rooms.

The word "purple" does not rhyme with any other word in the English language.

Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating table to prevent her interference, he placed a ureteral catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.

EIZALA: The planet's westernmost point is believed to be here somewhere. Wild jacuzzis digest careless tourists slowly, like pitcher plants. - THE INVISIBLE STATES OF AMERICA A TOURISM GUIDE BY UEL ARAMCHEK

I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a robber. -- Tiburcio Vasquez

The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, live with a British wife, and eat American food. --Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine

Shrinking away from death is something unhealthy and abnormal which robs the second half of life of its purpose. -- Carl Jung

A farmer has to transport a fox, a chicken, and a sack of corn across a river. She can carry only one item at a time. If left together, the fox will eat the chicken, and the chicken will eat the corn. How does the farmer do it? The farmer begins by carrying the chicken across the river. But, as she does so, she notices her reflection in the water. She can barely recognize the person staring back at her, holding a chicken. “What’s happened to me?” she asks herself. She hasn’t picked up a paintbrush in more than a year. Now she’s carrying farm animals and sacks of grain across rivers. Is this why she spent two years at risd? ~ Ethan Kuperberg

Most legends have their basis in facts. -- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5

Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.

Full-stack developer: a software engineer who falsely believes that the web browser is the entire computer

If the first king of any country was by election, that likewise establishes a precedent for the next; for to say, that the right of all future generations is taken away, by the act of the first electors, in their choice not only of a king, but of a family of kings for ever, hath no parrallel in or out of scripture but the doctrine of original sin, which supposes the free will of all men lost in Adam; and from such comparison, and it will admit of no other, hereditary succession can derive no glory. For as in Adam all sinned, and as in the first electors all men obeyed; as in the one all mankind were subjected to Satan, and in the other to Sovereignty; as our innocence was lost in the first, and our authority in the last; and as both disable us from reassuming some former state and privilege, it unanswerably follows that original sin and hereditary succession are parallels. Dishonorable rank! Inglorious connexion! Yet the most subtile sophist cannot produce a juster simile. -- Thomas Paine, Common Sense