Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.

Marketing guru Jay Levinson figures you have to run an ad twenty-seven times against one individual before it has its desired impact. Why? Because only one out of nine ads is seen, and youve got to see it at least three times before it sinks in. -- Seth Godin , Permission Marketing : Turning Strangers Into Friends And Friends Into Customers

Be careful! Is it classified?

Ferengi Rules Of Acquisition: 273. Always count their Latinum before selling anything

"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."

Destroy superabundance. Starve the flesh, shave the hair, clarify the mind, define the will, restrain the senses, leave the family, flee the church, kill the vermin,vomit the heart, forget the dead. Limit time, forgo amusement, deny nature, reject acquaintances, discard objects, forget truths, dissect myth, stop motion, block impulse, choke sobs, swallow chatter. Scorn joy, scorn touch, scorn tragedy, scorn liberty, scorn constancy, scorn hope, scorn exaltation, scorn reproduction, scorn variety, scorn embellishment, scorn release, scorn rest, scorn sweetness, scorn light. It's a question of form as much as function. It is a matter of revulsion. -- Jenny Holzer

Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... Good children always obey. Quit acting so childish. Boys don't cry. If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. Why do you have to know so much? This hurts me more than it hurts you. Why? Because I'm bigger than you. Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? Oh, grow up. I'm only doing this because I love you.

Short circuit (example; a man eating peas with the idea that they will improve his virility shovels them straight into his lap).

We cannot be any stronger in our foreign policy for all the bombs and guns we may heap up in our arsenals than we are in the spirit which rules inside the country. Foreign policy, like a river, cannot rise above its source. ~ Adlai Stevenson

In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice.

midsummer n. A feast celebrated on the day of your 26th birthday, which marks the point at which your youth finally expires as a valid excuse when you must begin harvesting your crops, even if they've barely taken root and the point at which the days will begin to feel shorter as they pass,until even the pollen in the air reminds you of the coming snow. ~ Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Ferengi Rules Of Acquisition: 260. Gambling is like the way to power: The only way to win is to cheat, but don't get caught in the process

In the game Monopoly, the properties are named after streets in Atlantic City.

You busy-bodies have busied your last body. ~ Boris

Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune. -- Carl Jung

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. -- George Carlin

Entry level: Only slightly above most users' heads.

The plague of mankind is the fear and rejection of diversity: monotheism, monarchy, monogamy and, in our age, mono-medicine. The belief that there is only one right way to live, only one right way to regulate religious, political, sexual, medical affairs is the root cause of the greatest threat to man: members of his own species, bent on ensuring his salvation, security, and sanity. - Thomas Szasz

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat. -- Ogden Nash

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.