The stupid thing about lawn darts is there was something inherent to the design and innate to human nature that made you instantaneously say, "ok, let's see how high I can throw this."

5 wants to play doctor's office, and first thing they did was line up chairs for a waiting room.

Must have picked this guy first thing in the morning.

Look at that iridescent blue

My kid just ate the breading, and only the breading, off of 6 chicken nuggets.

Remember, as we reach a certain level of adulthood, it's important to slow down, pause, and ask yourself, "how'd I get that bruise?"

IF YOU GO AFTER ME, I'M going to kindly hold the door and insist you go first.

*scrolls timeline*

*scrolls*

*scrolls*

...

*scroooooolls*

Man, this MFer doesn't boost 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺?

I could never be a major league umpire because I'd constantly be like, "man, I'm 𝘩𝘪𝘨𝘩. I can't 𝘥𝘰 this."

People are always asking me, "did you think that'd actually work?", and "who's going to clean this up?"

Yes, coworker. Please whistle as you walk down the hallway. That doesn't annoy anybody. Totally professional move.

There's an article out where "color psycholgists" weigh in on the color rug Lady Gaga has in her living room.

I'm begging all of the world....please, please go get a hobby.

That's for me to know and for you to speculate whether the statute of limitations has run out on that felony or not.

Another lovely iris bloom.