So I never expected to see transactions confirmed at 4 sats/vB. But here we are!
After I posted this, I listened to this weeks nostr:npub10uthwp4ddc9w5adfuv69m8la4enkwma07fymuetmt93htcww6wgs55xdlq and they mentioned the mempool.space accelerator function. I checked it out and while expensive, it would absolutely solve this conundrum