Attention, everyone! If I ever zapped you in the past, or if you ever zapped me, I’m going to need you to send me the following information immediately. Thank you for your help in stopping terrorism and illicit finance.

Your full legal name

Any aliases you’ve ever used

Your current home address

All your previous home addresses

Your email address

Your phone number

Your Social Security or national ID number

Your birthdate

A photo of your drivers license or passport

A list of every country you’ve ever visited

Every social media handle you have ever used

Your fingerprints (all of them)

A sample of your DNA

A drug test completed within the past 7 days

A scan of your retinas

Your dental records

Every school you have ever attended

Every school you have never attended

Your shoe size

Your shirt size

Your hat size

The names and addresses of six people who can verify all this information