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Interesting theory. I've never heard of the concept of gender being extended to animals and for the purpose of mating, but even if that were the case, I don't know how we would say that those are biological realities necessarily because they have shifted culturally over time. Expectations of what is feminine and masculine have changed as well as the interest or preference for certain presenting types of people versus others have definitely shifted cross-culturally and there are a plethora of various gender expressions across the world historically and in the present day.

I do find myself facing some difficulty matching with people on dating apps because of my genderfluid expression, but I chalk that up to my area. Honestly, I live in a very conservative area.

While I do take enjoyment out of other people noticing my presentation, I do it primarily for myself. I just like subverting gender expectations overall. I just find it an enjoyable act.

techfeudalist 2y ago

Yes, all animals look and act a certain way to attract mates. You see refined gender displays in birds, presumably because birds socialize in flocks, creating abundant choice. Individuals are forced to evolve specialized gender displays in an attempt to stand out.

Bower birds with their elaborate architectural constructions:

https://blog.nature.org/2021/01/04/bowerbirds-meet-the-bird-worlds-kleptomaniac-love-architects/

Birds of paradise courtship dance spectacle:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWfyw51DQfU

It’s the same with humans.

Listen to what this woman says:

https://www.tiktok.com/@lonerwithyou/video/7279190022698454278

She’s talking about traditional masculine gender display: “Chivalrous … wants to pay on the first date, wants to take care of you, to provide…”. She’s seeking security. She observes that men in her community of liberals don’t display these traits making it hard for her to find a suitable partner.

I agree that cultural shifts have occurred. Some of these shifts are minor (say, wearing dresses vs pants), while others are significant (men unable to provide security), like with the woman above. With the latter, you can see how economic changes are leading men to be less desirable in places like Japan which is leading to a decline in marriage.

https://www.nippon.com/en/features/c05604/

Anyway, my point is to not sabotage yourself. My hunch is that it’s not just your local area. You will, of course, expand the dating pool if you move to a larger city, but your matches there will be (how to say this nicely) … unstable. People who are stable and confident want to find partners who are also stable and confident. Do you want a stable and confident partner? Then consider what you’re communicating to the world.

Again, gender is not a self-centric concept. I worry that what you perceive as “subverting” is just undermining yourself. It’s like giving someone the gift of a phone with a smashed screen, or serving rotten food to your guests for dinner. It’s not about you, it’s about how others perceive you.

I understand the motivation. I think everyone has this part inside them that says “F..it, I’m not going to play this stupid game.” It’s unfair. Some people win the genetic lottery and others don’t. I think everyone, at some point, wants to take their ball and go home. Yeah, the system sucks but trying to “exit”, reduces your quality dating pool and increases your risk of being miserable for a long time. Humans can build a different reality for themselves. The better solution, IMHO, is to build yourself better. Proof of work.

Good luck! ✌️

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Discussion

river 2y ago

You make some interesting points and I’ll have to check out that video and that article.

I agree that humans have the capacity to build a different reality for themselves. We certainly aren’t shackled by biology, we have our beliefs and values and things we care about outside of reproduction.

For myself? Ofcourse I want to signal and attract some reasonable level of stability. I don’t think myself wearing a skirt or makeup occasionally is reason for someone to doubt my stability. I don’t think I should be perceived as any lesser for such minor changes to myself. I

I am not complaining about people not swiping on me. I already have an amazing partner and I’m just looking for friends. People can have their preferences but I do wish that there would be an openness to engage with people who are different than them.