How are these banks so confidently offering 5% apy all of a sudden?

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End of days. You fall for the trap and place your currency in their custody for the paltry 5%. 6 or so months later you'll find the promise they made of returning your currency back to you on demand is reneged on.

It's almost like they want to take your money and smash buy bitcoin for you.

They aren't taking your money. ;-)

That's correct lol