as someone completely uneducated in the world of coffee

what’s the difference between a good and a great coffee bean?

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The list of variables for that question would shock you.

that many?!

For sure. There are entire books on this subject that don't fully capture it. It's a bit like the difference between a good and bad wine, beer, or cigar. The aficionados come out of the woodwork to tell you why one thing is better than another. Geographic location, climate, harvest timing, processing, storage conditions, age of the plant, could be organic or not, it's a whole thing.

I'm a pretty basic bitch too but I went to a little coffee shop and bought their own roast, and I just like it way better

Me critiquing coffee:

rare beans = cool beans