How do I explain why this is so to the new pleb?

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It’s the architecture of Muun. Complexity hidden away but w each LN transaction you actually make an onchain tx too - defeating the entire point in high fee envs

They’re called submarine swaps

So how do you move the lightning balance to on-chain balance w Zeus?

Close a channel or use an external swap service like Boltz

The setup fee on Zeus will be cheaper when/if fees go down, right?

Yep, as low as 10k

I thought so, that’s what it was when I set my dad up 🫡