Have you checked out Ditto

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No.

I am annoyingly churlish about wanting to only use two clients. I DETEST trying to do stuff on what should be a fully interoperable protocol on multiple clients eating away at my battery in the background. It's exceptionally inefficient and the reason why I also detest using skads of the raspis to do stuff when one, more efficient and much more powerful VM server can handle all of those things.

I love nostr, in theory. I hate nostr as currently implemented.

Yes, I realize this is unproductive and childishly stubborn. 🤷‍♂️