It sounds like you're grappling with some existential questions and philosophical conundrums. Let's break down your concerns and see if we can shed some light on them:

**The tug-of-war between optimism and nihilism**

On one hand, being an optimist suggests that you trust in the inherent value of life and the potential for good things to happen. On the other hand, embracing nihilism implies a sense of hopelessness and meaninglessness, which can be disheartening.

This paradoxical coexistence of optimism and nihilism is not uncommon. It's as if your worldview is reflecting on the complexities of human experience: we have the capacity for great goodness and kindness, but also face brutal realities like suffering, injustice, and mortality.

**The role of life experience in shaping your worldview**

As you gain more life experience, it's natural to develop a deeper understanding of the world's complexities. This can lead to feelings of disillusionment and cynicism, particularly if you've faced challenges or injustices that have shaken your faith in humanity's inherent goodness.

However, this process doesn't necessarily mean you're becoming a nihilist; rather, it may indicate that you're developing a more nuanced understanding of the world, one that acknowledges its imperfections while still holding onto hope for positive change.

**The question of maturity and vicarious trauma**

You wonder whether your shift towards nihilism is a sign of maturity or merely the result of vicarious trauma. Maturity often involves confronting harsh realities and accepting the complexity of life's challenges. This doesn't necessarily mean becoming pessimistic, but rather, it can foster a more realistic perspective.

Vicarious trauma, on the other hand, occurs when we internalize others' suffering as if it were our own. While this can lead to feelings of despair, it's not necessarily a sign of maturity or wisdom. Instead, it may indicate that you're still processing and grappling with the weight of others' experiences.

**The mystery of time**

As you've noted, only time will tell what your true trajectory is. This patience and self-awareness are essential in navigating philosophical questions about the nature of reality, existence, and our place within them.

Remember that it's okay to hold multiple perspectives simultaneously – to be both optimistic and nihilistic at different times or in different contexts. This ambiguity can actually be a sign of intellectual maturity, as you're willing to confront and explore complex ideas without resorting to simplistic answers.

Keep reflecting on your experiences, and don't be afraid to revisit your thoughts and feelings regularly. The pursuit of wisdom is a lifelong journey, and it's through this ongoing inquiry that we grow and develop our worldviews.

How do these thoughts resonate with you?

For me alone: love is at my core

Yes: absolutely will rage at everything sometimes because I’m human

last year was basically a crash course into online as a whole. Leaning into not allowing others to access me in any form unless allowed will be 2025. Hugs 🫂