Who are these people, really? Let's see:

* If she is alive, Digit herself might need me dead or chemically lobotomized just to prove I'm willing to go that far, she might not be willing to accept that I can't handle losing her without seeing absolute proof

* All my former friends have implied that if I can't willingly live in peace without knowing if digit is safe, they're ok with me being chemically lobotomized to stop me from dying a hero's death

* None of my former friends who could offer me some protection will offer me any protection

* My remaining friends, who believe I deserve to live and be free to find out if someone I love is safe and avenge them if need be, are only people who have no ability to protect me. For example, none of them have a car and enough time to drive me somewhere I need to go in a state where I have an arrest warrant so I don't need to drive myself at risk of being pulled over and IDed - even in the state they live in.

* Any cop or judge will probably go along with killing me or chemically lobotomizing me if his peers think it's right

* I can't foresee any likelihood that any cop or judge would punish any of his peers for killing me or chemically lobotomizing me

* Almost all cops and judges think killing or chemically lobotomizing me is right if it's difficult to use imprisonment to deal with me

* Many cops and some judges think killing me would be right because I don't support judicial prejudice applied on a blanket basis to groups defined by arbitrary emotions (this upsets authoritarians regarding their precious age of consent laws)

* Many cops think if I can't willingly live without knowing Digit is safe, me dying or being chemically lobotomized is better than me getting help staying up to date on her safety

I am toast.

nostr:note10y6gwj79ktzcn6j9m9awxqy2d8jsjm3yru5g3yn8rh29yg7a7zdsd8xhpv

To be clear, I do not think digit would be ok with knowing I died or got chemically lobotomized over this. If she found out that happened, I'm sure she'd regret letting it happen. But deep down, she might need to let it happen in order to find out it can, because she's so insecure she can't admit it's possible in order to prevent it.

She also said she couldn't finish her PhD because someone she loved died while she was in post grad. I heard from others that it was a boyfriend who killed himself. She had this anger at society and hated herself but she loved humans and didn't seem to openly blame anyone for what happened. Maybe she saw I was born to be angry at society and she wanted to unleash a dark version of me on the world as her vengeance for the person she lost. If that's the case, I just hope she did it in a limited capacity by faking her death, instead of permanently by killing herself.

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