Naw this is a perfect hypothetical world where it’s free and easy to have a full Bitcoin node. I’m really just seeing if everyone agrees that these "shitcoins" do have utility we would like, but they’re still shitcoins because they don’t have the decentralization of Bitcoin. But if they did, then a fast and private currency that governments cannot stop is exactly what I’d want.

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If they don't have the decentralisation the core utility is missing. It's not cash if it's dependent on one or a small number of organisations. It's not cash if it can't be anonymous (bitcoin can be anonymous because of UTXO accounting).