well, your "error" was actually helpful, i found this, which makes a lot of sense to me: https://github.com/nostr-protocol/nips/blob/master/65.md

AFAIU, you can advertise your preferred relays, very much like you would your NIP-05, and some clients will look that up. But indeed, relays don't talk to each other, or at least that is my understanding as well. As for a third friend, Charlie, i'm not sure it matters... I'll get to the bottom of this eventually! Thanks for spending a minute on helping me 💜

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It appears it is also possible to add a relay list to the static json file that serves for NIP-05, which is useful when running your own or your community's relays. Though the NIP-65 (mailbox) method seems to be preferred.