After mapping the five hamster wheels and watching them operate in countless clients, I was left with the question that had been nagging at me since those early whiteboard sessions: "Why was such flawed behaviour created in the first place?"
I could see the patterns clearly now. I could help people recognise when they were spinning on Gain/Loss, Unable/Able, Right/Wrong, Support/Let Down, or Attention/Ignore wheels. I understood how these binary programs operated like glitchy algorithms in their personal VR games. But I still didn't know who had written this code or why it seemed so universal.
The Missing Piece
One day, during a session, I intuitively drew a smaller circle underneath and to the left of the hamster wheel. I didn't know why, but I felt it needed to be there. I kept glancing at it throughout the session, wondering about its significance.
A few days later, the missing piece revealed itself. While posting a video on Instagram, I stumbled across a short clip of about 50 seconds, of Gabor Maté, a leading expert on addiction and trauma. I had read one of his books years before, but this time his message struck me differently. He explained that all behaviors, from addictions to repetitive negative habits, can be traced back to childhood trauma.
Boom. The lightbulb went off. I instantly understood that the smaller circle represented trauma. It wasn't just a guess—it was a deep knowing, like the final piece of a jigsaw puzzle snapping into place, revealing the full picture.
School had never suited my way of learning, and even today, that conditioning makes me feel like I don't "study" enough. But I've come to understand that my way of learning is different. I process complex systems in my head, moving information around like Tom Cruise in Minority Report with his interactive screen.
My learning comes not from books but from doing—and then analyzing the patterns that emerge.
I share this to encourage others to find their own best way of learning. Don't let archaic schooling systems, which prioritize rote memorization and secondhand learning, define you. Beneath the conditioning, you are perfect. And together, we can learn how to dismantle those limiting programs.
Compassionate Inquiry
I then sought more information about what Gabor meant by the word "trauma" and, more importantly, how he resolved it. Resolving our problems comes from finding the truth; resolution is all that matters.
I found an online course called Compassionate Inquiry and purchased it. I immediately delved into the course, carefully deconstructing his method.
I watched as much as I needed to grasp it fully and walked away with some key concepts. Trauma in childhood often stems from a simple yet devastating disconnection experienced by the child. Rarely, if ever, do children receive the connection, belonging, and love they need. To change the behaviors that manifest in adulthood, one must observe them and compassionately understand that these behaviors were created by a small child doing their best to cope with traumatic experiences and feelings of abandonment.
This understanding fit into my way of working like the final piece of a jigsaw puzzle, allowing me to see the complete picture. I was deeply moved and immediately incorporated this insight with my next client.
The Complete Picture
On the board, I drew a small circle and wrote the first letter of their name in lowercase to signify their inner child or small self. In the top-right corner, I wrote "Love, Belonging, Connection" to represent the unmet needs. I also drew the usual hamster wheel and other related terms, but now the board felt alive. Intuitively, I explained their behavior on a much deeper level, linking it to the trauma of childhood and how it had created their hamster wheel programming.
At the end of the session, I explained not only Krishnamurti's method of observation—which I felt lacked a certain level of compassion—but also how to dissolve behavior patterns by reconnecting with the inner child (the small circle) and understanding with compassion that the "software" was created by a small child doing their best to survive.
These changes were life-altering. My client became emotional, leaned back, and exclaimed, "You've just mapped out my whole life and why I do what I do—all in one hour. It's extraordinary." I agreed—not in a self-aggrandizing way but in astonishment at the clarity and simplicity this understanding provided for comprehending human behavior. This felt like the holy grail I had been searching for—not just for my clients but also to understand why I found life so painful.
The Personal Breakthrough
That night, I cried deeply as this profound understanding released long-trapped energy within me. I knew exactly what to do. I visualized "little Rob" in the circle, comforted him, held him, and soothed him by saying, "It's okay." On the deepest level, I knew everything would be fine as I drifted into a peaceful sleep.
It was only later, during one of my morning observation sessions on the balcony, that I truly understood what this meant for my own life. As I sat with my familiar financial terror—that old companion that had haunted me for decades—I could finally see past the adult worry to its source. The panicked thoughts about money weren't coming from my fifty-year-old self. They were coming from Little Rob, still running emergency protocols he'd written when my parents' marriage was falling apart.
Excerpt from my upcoming book. 🙏
