I got some evidence she is alive but not "safe." Someone she dated on wallstreetbets, called Calibre, showed me a screenshot of a playlist she made about a month ago and I've confirmed it was from her actual Spotify account.

The playlist still scares me. It's 3 dark songs I remember her listening to when she was really depressed and anxious:

Tiny Glowing Screens pt 2 by Watsky

The Modern Leper by Frightened Rabbit

For Real by Okkervil River

And the title of the playlist is "purple." Logically she probably means like /r/purplemusic but my mental state makes me scared it's a reference to her boyfriend being that color when she found him after his suicide or something.

The title doesn't matter. The songs make me think she's probably alive but probably not safe. So I'm still terrified.

I hate that it was a month ago and I didn't see it sooner. She'll think Calibre cares about her more because he's the one that kept checking. But he doesn't even care enough to listen to the songs and notice how dark they are and how she might still be in a fucked up situation. I just couldn't handle how painful it was to keep seeing no sign of her every time I checked, so I started only checking lichess because I thought she'd have more reason to switch between alt accounts for chess than for Spotify, but I was wrong. I should have kept checking Spotify. I at least should have checked it around the time of Jeff Baena's suicide. That's around when the playlist is from. I fuck up every time she needs me. Every day that passes is more reason to be scared I'm too late. I hate myself so much.

At least there's a sign of life from a month ago now instead of the latest being over a year ago. I just keep telling myself that means it's probably not too late, but the fear doesn't really go away.