The House of Ra

I: The Children of Pan

I save her picture on my phone to remind myself that I’m supposed like her, that she’s my sister and a part of me, after all. Still she sparks utter and disgraceful pangs of jealousy in me because of her ambiguous relationship to our estranged brother with whom she communicates on a daily basis. My beloved brother who turned against me. She is my only connection to him and I bear her awkward presence only because she reminds me of that which I covet: our beloved brother Cedric’s undivided attention.

I was the eldest and our father’s favorite. By seven, Father had taught me mathematics, poetry, Sanskrit script, ballet and gymnastics. At twelve I was sent to Regina Observatory of Scientific Art and spent ten years studying with the biggest minds of the century. Cedric was born when I was thirteen years old and Father was starting to go blind. He was raised by Mother who projected all her insecurities into him. Trained in music, art, and mathematics, Cedric excelled at chess. He was calculating and cunning just as his mother had taught him to be in order to control every possible scenario in any potential situation. Mother had taught him to think before he acted, to predict people and situations and their outcomes, hence Cedric was prepared to exist in the future and sacrificed simple temporal sensations and the joys of nonchalantness which were quintessential for happiness. He envies my natural charisma while I coveted and yearned for his attention.

Cedric reminded me of Father who had been my world and had taught me everything I now know. Father was the one who had refined my aesthetic sense and had tuned me like a fine instrument. Cedric observed the way our blinding Father’s eyes gleamed when I walked into the room, how my presence affected him like no one else in the family. He envied the fact that I was the only one who Father entrusted with the key to his library and archives. Cedric sought his father’s trust but his introverted personality repulsed Father so Father always kept Cedric at a distance. Cedric internalized his father’s disappointment in him with resentment for his eldest sister who he had loved like his own mother. After all these years I was lucky if I got a call from him once a year to wish me merry Christmas. He never answered my texts until months later and basically ignored my calls. He played violin in the symphony and his hobby was designing websites— a webmaster who believed himself to be a magician of modern life. He created his own fabulous world of which I played no role except on rare occasion or annual holidays.

This doesn’t bother me as my love for him is boundless and unlimited. He lives with mother in downtown Chicago where I can always find him. One day he will grow up and find me waiting for him as his second mother. He will fall into my arms and I will place his head near my heart and encompass him. He knows this but insists on testing my patience with every waking breath. My sister Meredith and possibly mother were to be my arch nemesis bringing me down to my lowest plane of existence: the feeling of jealousy and disconnectedness from the Family Tree: the Ramirez Dynasty.