>I opened a channel with an onchain transaction during a precious moment when the mempool wasn't as stuffed as a turkey on thanksgiving. I am very smart

if everyone who used ethereum and solana and all the other chains suddenly found salvation and joined your stupid religion, there would NOT BE ENOUGH ROOM for a fraction of them to do what you did. even the lightning devs will tell you this and you ignore them completely. if your L2 solution forces people to do onchain transactions to control their own money, it's broken and you need to try something else.