So would it be possible to take out a bitcoin backed loan, hold it in your bank account (including sufficient to cover repayments), for sufficient time to qualify for a mortgage, and once qualified (depending on small print), simply relay the loan, and get those sweet sweet bitties back in self custody?

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I think it will only be a few years before uk banks see it as part of your net worth. I think they are starting to do this with some banks in USA?

Gradually, then suddenly.

there's certainly a process to it, but a crypto-mortgage is a real thing. good interview with the founder of milo.io here: https://youtu.be/q7cYDimIMkA?si=mOYusyomN3ga14mK

and clicking through the website's pretty informative as well: https://www.milo.io/mortgage/crypto-backed-mortgage/