when i'm feeling low, i think about my life.

looking to the past, i see a bunch of stuff i didn't get to experience at the ages most people experienced them at. it can largely be chalked up to being neurodiverse.

looking to the near future, i see uncertainty about my prospects for life satisfaction, and certainty about old age and death.

you might call it a mid-life crisis, but i think it hits a little stronger because my life has been so lacking in job stability, friendships and intimacy.

having a couple of friends and other forms of aid makes up for it somewhat, but not late at night when it's just me here.

it's very tempting to reach for a beer at moments like that. it's just a plain unhappy feeling and there are clear reasons for it. "this is not what i wanted."