After trying every Nostr web client I could find, the winner is...
satellite.earth
It's by far the most sane experience on desktop, and it looks nice too. Woefully unfinished but better than most and reasonably easy to self-host.
Amethyst seems to be it for mobile, but it's sluggish as fuck. Maybe I need a better phone.
Not even a competition. I've got a satellite instance and it's easy to come and chat unlike most nostr clients.
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I run it locally on my desktop so I can set the default relays myself.