No, you consolidate UTXOs by sending them to yourself. Whenever an on-chain bitcoin transaction confirms, it's as if your bitcoin is physical gold coins, and they're melted down and rechecked to be 100% certain that they're real. So consolidating your UTXOs is like having a bunch of gold dust and small coins that need to be melted down in an on-chain transaction, and then they're turned into a single large gold bar. So to do that, it would need to be an on-chain transaction, but the recipient would be yourself.

My original post was also meant as kind of a joke, since 100 sats/vbyte is still pretty expensive. You could say it was a bit of "gallows humor," or sarcasm about the current spam attack that Bitcoin is going through right now.