can someone eli5 why some posts with ⚡️ show the zaps and others don’t? do wallets need to return an event for relays to pick up on a “zap”?

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Yes that is exactly the reason. The receiving wallet sends the zap note after the invoice is paid.

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Not all wallets have NIP-57 Zap support. If they don't have Zap support, it's just acts as a Lightning tip. Tips cannot be tallied. Zap support makes Lightning tips aware of Nostr and integrates Nostr allowing them to be tallied.

nice… this is gonna get interesting

What I am finding is most have just sent ln transactions and not zaps even though they call it zaps and think they are sending zaps.

not enough toxic zap maxis yet to enforce the sanctity of the spec

Zaps are only a week old. Give it time, brother.

But yes, they don't know the different. I am fighting the good fight and trying to educate 😉

Just trying to be technically correct and understand what I am doing. No rush, but like you I am interested in educating, myself and others.