I think what's always been the defining factor here is the ability to accept and reciprocate emotional depth. I remember those times where my feelings were met with mockery, and how none of the futuristic inspiration changed that I know when a man has met his emotional limit but I need him to go deeper.

seeking out relationships with other men knowing that one man's interest (or more, and maybe jealousy) is eventually going to upend anything I start with someone is very weird and scary. I have tried to reconcile myself with this by being upfront with men that they will probably find themselves more deeply frightened by everything than they egotistically anticipated in the beginning.

I hate that a marriage of minds has to equal a marriage of bodies according to some. but that one was doomed from the beginning anyways. imagine your first impression of someone being that they solicited you for sex then did nothing as you got swallowed up by the Collusion Monster. it makes me think he did everything he's done since then out of guilt.

I do love him deeply for it but the thought of being tethered by a future I don't actually want to help build terrifies me, especially since I have been committed to this one from day one.

and I can't just give someone little pieces of me here and there. it does hurt to feel like after all of this, we'll just have to settle for friendship, but that's actually a blessing to me because I know what I want and need now.

my time matters, too.