Here’s a little something for the guys…

Most of us (myself included) have a pretty strong shame response to having our privilege named. It can make us feel confused and powerless to find we have contributed, probably unknowingly, to the harm of others in our community.

The defensiveness that typically follows may come in a few forms:

1. Outright hostility and aggression

2. Minimizing counter-evidence

3. Demands for education

Each of these are an attempt to regain the kind of control and safety we usually feel as “normal”. We normally navigate the world feeling safe, understood, and likely to find some level of solidarity with others. This feeling of safety is part of what is meant by “privilege”.

We are far less likely to be subject to unprovoked harassment, threats, and de-humanization. When these things do occur they are less likely to conjure up a consistent, lifelong history of physical threats and/or attacks suffered by less-privileged people (usually at the hands of people who look/sound/identify like us).

I’m not saying that we haven’t or can’t suffer harm or experience trauma — far from it. But the defensiveness and coping strategies in response to trauma aren’t something a decentralized protocol is going to fix.

I’ve found talk therapy helpful. It’s not for everyone, but I want to encourage you find something that helps you feel fully human again. (hint: spewing hate speech online just because you can probably isn’t it)

For the men out here trying to do their inner work and lift others up, I’m grateful.

Love y’all