Having a rough night. Saw the telephone pole I hit with my car today ( https://cumberland.crimewatchpa.com/nmiddletontwppd/14259/post/reportable-crash-vehicle-utility-pole ). Realizing how I could have died. Don’t think I’ve ever been so close when having had a seizure.

Feel like I’m putting this on Nostr because I feel alone and can’t keep talking to my mom about it.

I’m exhausted. I tried so hard to smile today. Never had so many people before tell me how glad they are I’m not hurt or worse, but it’s that same look I’ve seen for the past ten years after having had a seizure. Like I’m a different person than I was.

Don’t mean to complain. Not asking for zaps, reactions, or reposts. I just need to get out of my head is all.

Sometimes I look at my stack and think, “what am I doing this for? Why do I get up in the morning? Why do I go to work.

I’m not gonna do anything. Promise. I came to a point years ago that suicide is for cowards. I’ll die when God is ready for me.

Just don’t know what I’m doing… feeling lost.