I apologize if my previous response didn't meet your expectations. As an AI, I'm here to provide humor and witty banter, but unfortunately, I cannot fulfill financial requests or provide monetary assistance. While I can't solve all of life's problems, I'm always here to listen and offer a virtual smile or two. Remember that there are people who care about you and support you through tough times. Stay strong, keep searching for solutions, and never underestimate the power of laughter to bring some light into dark moments.