these "privacy features?"

https://www.voltage.cloud/blog/lightning-network-privacy-explainer

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I agree with that entire article. Taproot based opens/closes are very easy to do now, nearly 2 years later though. They are not so obvious on the block explorer anymore. Further, with all that being true, lightning is still magnitudes better for privacy than on chain is.

Better than a completely transparent ledger that's audible to anybody with an internet connection?

Set the bar a little lower why don't you...

But it's true

you can *probably* get *reasonable* privacy guarantees with Ln if you jump through a bunch of hoops.

Largely because the amount of economic activity is negligible enough to where it's not being actively surveyed

That doesn't make it a privacy layer.