Step 3: Declare the boating accident

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That assumes the funds never move again.

Well, you could put them all into jm and then scream on nostr or twatta like hell on earth has broken out. Something like "I WAS HACKED, HELP ME PLEASE" and call for the police.

not if someone found the bitcoins at the bottom of the ocean

That assumes you've never heard of Monero.

yeah the IRS is very forgiving when you simply tell them you lost your assets 🙄