You fucking piece of shit, you censor me by having me muted while apps automatically put you in follow lists and drown people like me out of the trending feed
Discussion
Hello again Whoever.
Dude I found out Digit was alive all of last year and probably still is
I hope your life is going as well as you could wish for too
Thank you for your well wishes. I'm glad to hear you got some answers. I'm curious, have you thought about why it might have taken you so long to find out?
I don't know. She made a new Spotify playlist, but it's just 3 songs that still make me scared about her safety and well-being. Before she deleted her accounts, she did threaten to disappear to make me stay scared, after doing it in the past and not really seeming to believe me about how scared I was. So maybe this is how long it took for her to decide to let me be less scared, or maybe the playlist is for someone else and has nothing to do with me and I'm just not understanding it. I'm just glad it seems like she's alive, even if the uncertainty is still terrifying.
She did something with the goal of making you stay scared?
Ostensibly yeah, that was the point of deleting her accounts and leaving.
Best case it's the best way to utilize my obsession with her while she tries to grieve her boyfriend that committed suicide.
Worst case it's reverse psychology trying to distract me from even more scary shit.
Middle ground, it's her wanting me to die, or it's her assuming I've moved on because nobody cares enough to tell her I talk about her all the time and she thinks someone would care enough to tell her.
I really hope it's just her best way to utilize me while she's grieving. That way I'm being useful to her with all this fear instead of just hurting her by being hurt by her.
Have you considered that maybe she just wants to be left alone? Where does that lie on the scale?
She said so, but if she wanted to be left alone, she shouldn't have constantly made me panic about her more and more. That's got me pretty locked in to obsessing over her forever, which also makes me think she was kinda lying about wanting to be left alone.
To respond to your other reply, getting to grill you is itself all the thanks I need.
Can you be more specific? What should she have done if she wanted to be left alone?
Continuing to post on reddit instead of deleting her accounts would have been good. If she had to delete her reddit and Discord accounts, telling me she'd keep making Spotify playlists would have at least helped. Prescribing happiness and freedom instead of fear and pain for me would have helped, if she wanted. But what she's done is perfect if she wanted me to end up setting my name to "whoever loves Digit," talking about her every day, posting her song and stuff, so I hope she secretly wanted me to be doing exactly what she has me doing
Double replying again to give another way of looking at it -
3 years ago, she had a chance at getting me to forget all about her. She could have simply sent me to go obsess over some other woman from my past.
2 years and 11 months ago, it was too late to make me stop thinking about her a lot for the rest of my life, but she could have still gotten me to shut up about it for the rest of my life and go pretend to obsess over some other woman from my past, because I was already so obsessive before meeting her.
2 years ago, this constant panic had gone on too long and it was too late to stop me from trying to get her to talk to me for the rest of my life, but she could still have really easily had me to try to include other people and areas of interest in my life to help distract myself from her.
Once she followed through on threatening to disappear to make me stay scared, it stopped feeling like I'm ever going to be able to focus on anyone or anything else no matter what.
How could she "get you" to forget all about her? Why would you ever obsess over the other women instead of Digit? Is there something that would have forced you to go where she "sent" you?
The chance of it working was already not 100% by then, but the key thing would have been convincing me it's OK for me to be happy and I'm not required to stay scared and depressed
And "forgetting all about her" wasn't accurate wording, I just mean shifting focus fully to another woman so I wouldn't secretly be wishing she was Digit anymore
Before I met Digit, I had been wishing I could make myself good enough for this other woman called Mad to talk to me. So 3 years ago I was pretty open to Digit just approving of that plan and telling me go back to focusing on Mad. It would have just been a little tricky for her to do counteract my fears about her cancer and get me to stop panicking enough to shift focus. But she's really good at psychological shit so it seems like she could have done that if she felt like it, instead of continuously making me as scared and desperate for more time with her as possible. I really hope the reason it went this way is because I could never be as useful to Mad as I am to Digit, just being someone to suffer with her from a distance and hopefully someday without the distance.
What is psychology?
Understanding how people's minds work. She probably would have had to be staying on reddit though. I don't think I would ever not be scared all the time with it leading up to her deleting her accounts, disappearing, leaving no signs of life except a cryptically scary Spotify playlist.
Why would understanding how people's minds work help? Why would that get you go back to Mad? Should you have gone back to Mad?
Her psychology skill seems to give her pretty strong control over me.
If Mad needs me more than Digit maybe I should have gone back to her but I doubt it. I don't think worrying about Digit would distract me from worrying about Mad if Mad was in as much danger or pain as Digit. I'm pretty sure I'm worried about the one I should be worried about.
I still worry about Mad a lot when I think about her too much though. I hate the idea of her not finding anyone else who cares about her the same way I do. But there's nothing I can do about it since Digit is the one I cannot willingly allow to never find out how much I care about her.
Thank you for the replies by the way. Getting to talk about her for a few replies in a row really helps. I'll try to be a good listener if you ever need to talk about anything too.