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dendrobatestinctorius 10mo ago

What am I even doing

I was supposed to do an open mic tonight but got paranoid about the smell of burning rubber that keeps coming from my car when I drive it for more than five minutes. I kept picturing breaking down on one of those massively tall flyovers. If that actually happened I probably wouldn't even be able to get out of the car, I would probably die of fright like a rabbit, just tachycardia until my heart explodes in my little prey animal chest.

I think I am too paralyzed by fear but my fears come from somewhere. Whether their origin is legitimate or not I don't know. Ever since I got sober I oscillate between devil-may-care cavalier funtime and very paranoid and neurotic ball of tightly tangled yarn. I have to talk myself into being in the in-between. I have to convince myself it is the best course of action--my natural state is in the extremes.

I am terrified of being stuck indoors again. I need to take the rail into town or something tomorrow and buy a cheap shitty coffee for six dollars and politely decline to give money to homeless people or something. I need to go to the botanical garden that's like 30 minutes away and look at some plants and snails and what have you.

All these things I need to do, and I don't do, daily i don't do them and I neglect myself and my progress and it won't be good if I continue this pattern.

I have ghosted my AA people for the last time I think. They are too evangelical, there are too many rules and traditions, too much weird jargon and indecipherable shorthand that I never bothered learning. They claim they are not religious but stress believing in spiritual things and adhering to the doctrine of a holy book. I never had a burning bush moment and I don't think I ever will.

However I do feel more connected to the people around me and less othered by the past. I no longer feel exceptionally persecuted, damaged, and wronged. I'm fucked up in the same way every fucked up person is. I'm grateful that I'm nothing special.

It is 2 AM now. I guess I can wait and see what 3 AM has in store for me or I can take some melatonin and lay down while some youtuber with a british accent drones me to sleep talking about diogenes or quantum computing or something.

Oh, and hello and I am glad to be here. I'm such a slut for new and exciting social media.

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Herengone 10mo ago

I'll tell you what. You're taking the steps necessary to find a center again (not feeling one extreme thing to the next) by simply expressing yourself because you'll get feedback and most of it will assure you, of what you mainly need to be assured of, that you're a human like the rest of us living in a world where we're taking in so much so fast and it being hard to minimize and consolidate all that down to the essential stuff useful to YOU. It's a determining crisis we're all having because we also want to give our brains the space and our lives the time needed to take in and enjoy what WE specifically enjoy doing.

You sound hyper aware of yourself but that can be boiled down to a true virtue if your peers, like I and others here and abroad are cool enough to notice 😏, so welcome to the cool club. Although it's noisy you do come across some very intriguing things and pretty dope people I'll say.

Apologies ahead of time if this wasn't a response or feedback you were looking for lol.