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It's unpopular opinion here because you can have complete anon with Bitcoin. This Monero is useless and the anon set is getting smaller every day.

How can I go complete ANON with BTC outside of coin-joins, whirlpools, or other acrobatics to avoid being seen on a public ledger?

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Ask satoshi. He didn't do any of those acrobatics. All that's required is a nym and good opsec.