Savage satire on enlightenment influencers.
With a please kindly sir.
Discussion
Title:
"Enlightenment™ – Now with 33% More Breath Retention!"
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Are you feeling lost, depressed, or just bored with your overpriced smoothie subscription?
Tired of not being enlightened while still paying rent?
Worry no more. With Moksha-as-a-Service, you too can experience the illusion of transcendence while scrolling through reels of a white guy in a dhoti whispering Sanskrit he Googled 5 minutes ago.
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Meet our certified Enlightenment Influencers:
Guru Graphé™ – Expert in AI-generated Upanishads and selling NFTs of your chakras.
Swami Spongebobananda – Has 14K followers and zero idea what Brahman is, but will still guide your “journey.”
Babaji Breatharian – Eats likes for sustenance. Teaches “Moksha in 7 hacks” while secretly ordering UberEats.
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They offer:
$999 "Silence Retreats" where they teach you to be quiet while charging you loudly.
“Inner Engineering” where your inner self is turned into a SaaS business model.
Premium Karma Points – Earned by liking their posts and buying their candles.
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Actual Gita says:
> “You have the right to action, not its fruits.”
Influencer Gita says:
> “You have the right to charge $2,000 for a weekend retreat with ayahuasca and a Spotify playlist.”
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Warning Signs You May Be Dealing With a Pretend Baba:
Uses the word “quantum” in every sentence.
Wears robes, owns startups.
Preaches detachment but cries if you unfollow.
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Remember:
If someone says they can sell you Moksha — they already sold theirs.
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#FakeGurus #MokshaMafia #BreathAndBuy #KarmaCartel #DharmaOrDrama #GitaWasNotAnApp