Why do I keep seeing “JP Morgan reports” under all these Bitcoin articles lol

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Because they created the Federal Reserve system and they do not like competition.

JPM is the Ethereum of Tradfi

They are reporting on Bitcoin? Wow, I can't wait to relish the stellar insight that J.P Morgan is going to bring to the space.

to be fair they are the experts at deceiving the world into thinking that an unbacked trade token is better than gold

Expert bullshitters for sure, that's an astute observation.