She only told you that to fuck with your head, and I can guarantee she made fun of you when talking with other orbiters. The best you can do is grow up, become a real person with an internal moral compass and someone who is capable of self-validation, and just live your life like a normal human being.

I get that you are a sad and traumatized person, but you have been obsessed with one of your abusers for 3 years after they stopped playing with you. And all she did was play with you and hurt you, from the chat logs it’s obvious that she didn’t consider you a real person, she was controlling and manipulating, just using you to pump her own ego. If you can’t become a complete person who can self-validate, at least find a real girl in real life to obsess over, what you are doing is just fucking yourself up more and more.