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am i naive?

am i crazy?

or would it be crazy to refuse myself what feels comfortable to my senses & fine in my heart. what was unsafe? if she asked a question i didnt want to answer, i would not have.

she didnt say: take a walk with me

i just started strolling with her cos she knows the place

trying to say, in many words for gentler landing, on capture: overpatterning is capture too. making meaning can be an addiction like anything else.
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nobody 3mo ago

i got to have a walk in the woods with a stranger & her dog & we talked gently about america & i got to hear her thoughts on culture

she even showed me a picture of a kardashian & asked me about plastic surgery. did i know it was years of accumulative recovery time?

no.

but to be quite honest, neither does she

cos medical records are private.

i let it pass unremarked as more of an archetypal thing

no i didnt know

i spend zero time contemplating the down time of someone recovering from elective surgery

ive had surgery

i would never elect to

8 weeks of bullshit in a cast bandage thing elbow the staples

i was sad, culturally

that this was an aspect of what came up

vietnam war & hey also, plastic surgery

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nobody 3mo ago

but it made more sense after awhile cos she was once a stylist in the city. so like, fashion is more on her mind than other elders who lived thru vietnam

fair, she was in the industry

ok not that weird to mention then maybe she ideates on that a lot

couldnt be me

like when was the last time i was at the doctor

yea i go to the dentist

they badger me & each time i go they dont let me leave w/o setting the next appointment & they send reminder texts

the doctor? for what?

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nobody 3mo ago

to make sure i dont have cancer?

for what?

if something was wrong => im there

if i break my arm, if i have a pneumonia thats getting worse

thing is, i havent been sick enough to need to

i dont do anything like, 2009? travel vaccines? that honestly might have been the last time

16 years is that possible? might be less, might be a visit i dont recall i was so pissed & shut down to be there. like just survival mode answering uncomfortable personal questions about my sex life

you want to hear free

id rather just die about it all

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nobody 3mo ago

cold metal inside me?

no.

i'll take dying of cervical cancer thanks

breast exam?

thanks no i'll just have the dying

yea but genetic testing your mom died young of this

genetic testing for what

to tell me i have it or dont for more testing?

no thanks il take dying

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nobody 3mo ago

be easy be free

take dying over forcing yourself to do shit you dont want to do

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nobody 3mo ago

i think it is great of me

that i am still allowing this dentist arrangement

i think that is a mighty compromise

that i do my best to be so deeply grateful for cos tooth pain is no joke & so many cant afford to make that pain stop

im saying: translation failing:

indigenously all of this makes me unsafe feeling i would rather die

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nobody 3mo ago

the doctor process at an appointment is so anti-indigenous as to be violative to such a degree i would rather die

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nobody 3mo ago

& thats a part of culture in america that almost never gets to a higher level of system plans & healthcare concerns cos not enough people for that to be a demographic worth bothering for

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nobody 3mo ago

so no, mk

i didnt think about accumulative plastic surgery downtime

some gaps are too vast for a random chat in the woods to span