Next up in the series of ‘dumbass teenage boys do dumbass shit’ stories, a story about lighting shit on fire.

It was nearing the end of the same summer and we were bored, like really fucking bored. Which meant it was time to do some really dumb shit.

We used to hang out at my friend David’s house a lot since his single mom was gone at work all day, meaning we had the place all to ourselves. There was a big sewer storm drain not too far down the street that we used to fuck around in, and that’s where, on this late summer day, we decided to light some shit on fire.

We began by burning a bunch of newspaper and small cardboard boxes, which was fun, but didn’t last long since they burned so fast. So, we went in search of shit that would burn longer. It didn’t take long searching in David’s basement to find a broken down old wooden rocking chair. Jackpot! We sparked that bitch up and enjoyed our pyro fun for a good half hour before it eventually burned out. We needed something bigger. Back to the basement we went.

And that’s when we found what eventually would put an end to our pyro fun, an old mattress. We hauled it down to the storm drain, (keep in mind this is the middle of the day in a residential neighborhood, we weren’t too incognito lol). We get it in there, dump some lighter fluid on it, and light that bitch up. And this fucking thing starts really burning. Big ole flames, and a minute later, massive bellows of dark black smoke start to pour out of the storm drain and into the air. It’s quickly becoming apparent that this was a bad idea. But us being the retards that we were, we didn’t bring any water or have any way to put the fire out. So, we just got the fuck outta there. We hightailed it back to David’s house and hoped to god the fire didn’t spread and burn down the entire neighborhood.

After a few minutes, we decided to jump in my car and do a reconnaissance mission. It didn’t take long to see that things had escalated. Massive waves of black smoke now filled the air outside the entrance to the drain. Luckily, it appeared that the fire itself had not spread. It was contained. After sending one of the guys out for a closer look to confirm, we were satisfied that we weren’t at risk of burning down the neighborhood after all, thank god. So, we took off and went to my buddy Mitch’s house to lay low for a while.

3-4 hours later and it’s now the end of the afternoon and time for us all to get home. I was the one with the car so I always dropped everyone off on my home. David was always last since he lived closest to me. So I drop everyone else off then I take David to his house. We pull into his cul-de-sac, get about halfway down towards his house, then we see them. Cops. Shit! Two cop cars, one on each side of his driveway. This isn’t good. I quickly come up with a plan. It will look too suspicious if we try to turn around and run for it. So I tell David, let’s just play dumb. We’ll just tell them we don’t have any clue what they’re talking about. They can’t arrest us for something we didn’t do!

I slowly pull into David’s driveway, stop the car, and he gets out. Just as I’m about to back out, one of the cops gets out of his cruiser and says, “hey guys, can I talk to you for a minute?” I shoot David a look (just stick to the plan and we’ll be fine!), turn the car off, and get out. The officer proceeds to tell us that a neighbor called 911 to report a fire. He said the fire department came out and found a burning mattress in a storm drain. After extinguishing the fire, they talked to the woman who called it in and asked her if she had any idea how a mattress could have ended up in the storm drain near her house. The woman said she had seen a group of teenage boys in the area earlier in the day and had a suspicion they might be the culprits. When asked if she knew any teenage boys in the area, she mentioned she knew David and his family. Well, shit.

The officer then asked us if knew anything about the mattress or the fire. This was our moment, stick to the plan and we’ll be fine! I look at David, then at the officer, and say, “no sir, we don’t.” The officer says, “Ok, well we’re going to get to the bottom of this, this could have really turned into a dangerous situation. Before we go, we need to know where you boys have been today.”

“Sure officer, we were at my friend Mitch’s house, just heading home now.”

“Ok, what’s Mitch’s phone number, I’ll need to contact his parents….”

After giving him the phone number the officer proceeds to tell us all about the dangers of inhaling toxic smoke from a mattress. Just in case we may have been closer to the situation than we let on, he wants us to know that inhaling that smoke can make you seriously ill. We thank him for the information, and much to our surprise, that’s the end. He climbs back into his car and goes on his way.

Whew, the plan worked and we were home free! I casually gave David a fist bump, hoped back in my car, and drove home. We never heard another thing about the fire, the mattress, or the lady who called 911. It wasn’t the end of our pyro days altogether, another story on that soon, but it was the end of burning shit in storm drains 😂

Looking back on this story, the first thing that always comes to mind is how teenagers today could never get away with something like this. Too many fucking cameras everywhere. Every phone, most stop lights, most houses, most buildings. It’s just not like it was in the early 2000’s. Too bad really, because those were some fucking great years. nostr:note1dl84c75t0ex35q30kcpdag5te89fcwakfgwt0x4yrkvcl4nrjszsgk3ns4