Wake me up when I can run a turnkey USD-denominated but bitcoin-powered self-hosted cashapp/paypal/venmo/strike for my friends and family so we can exchange money with each other in pure privacy but remain easily interoperable with the outside system

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Pretty sure you can do that now with Fedi. If you mean stablecoins, maybe not, but that’s just asking for disaster anyway.

I mean DLCs or some other matter where I can take the BTC side of the trade and they can have a USD balance for short term needs

How do I launch my own Fedi? I’m not clear on that process or if it’s available yet