If you go INTO a bathroom for any amount of time beyond like 3 seconds, wash your hands.
If you touch ANYTHING in public, wash your hands.
If you cough, sneeze, pick your nose, blow your nose, wash your hands.
If you scratch your ass, balls, gooch, or cooch, was your dawned hands.
Literally, this. If my hands make contact with anything, I am forsaken and dirty and God does not want me.
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