i give up

canceling my detox / nofap all of that

i worked myself up to such a frenzy that i basically started fucking up. i basically broke the cutting tool before even taking it out of the box because i was simultaneously anxious to try it and also in the back of my mind i had all the other shit i have to do and i knew i don't really have the time to figure out how the ratcheting mechanism works so when something wasn't working i just applied force rather than take the time to figure out what i am doing

i also broke several other things in the past 2 weeks ( from my car's key fob to 3 separate plumbing articles in two different bathrooms that i was fixing here at home ) in more or less the same fashion and it was all from the same hysterical feeling of running out of time and having to work faster ...

acting like this is NOT in my nature at all. my nature is to take a long time to examine things and understand them and NOT force anything, but i worked myself into this sense of hysteria where it destroyed who i am and replaced me with some kind of nervous wreck trying to juggle too many things at the same time

this is no way to live. i decided i would accept failure instead. i would rather be dead than live like this.

i was trying to make a certain trip happen by certain date because i had to do something somewhere on that date and every day i felt the time squeeze more and more until just now i basically said fuck it - i'm not going to do it.

i'm not going to be in place X at a time Y because to make that schedule i turned myself into the kind of wreck that my sadist Jew father always wanted me to be. and all of my sadist bosses wanted me to be. and i just became my own sadist father / boss.

so basically i told the boss that i quit. in this case the boss was me. sometimes you have to protect your sanity.

trying to push past your limits is not wise. the wise thing to do is to accept that there are limitations to what can be accomplished and that you may need to give certain things up.

i already gave up on women about 15 years ago. i will probably have to give up on many more things. but i can't give up on myself and that's what was happening with all these detoxes and trying to meet deadlines.

or rather i CAN give up on myself, but you do that by killing yourself, not be destroying yourself.

i was trying to create time and mental space by getting rid first of Twitter, then Google News then FapHouse - all so i could accomplish something. but ultimately it's what i was trying to accomplish that i had to get rid of to create the time and mental space to be myself.

called my mother and said i wasn't going to pick her up. can't waste my time and inner peace.

taking time out from the hamster wheel.