i spent most of my 20s and 30s trying to blot myself out of this constant stark awareness but while maybe i could have done better and had more progress since then it also is just a case of "when it's time" i think

time is short, and unlike the usual meaning that people especially christians say it literally is short because natural disaster is almost inevitable in the next 30 years that is on a scale beyond anything in recorded history, at least as bad as the Great Flood stories (which exist in other cultures than semitic/european as well)