but that meant i had nothing
no leverage no weight
cos no one gives a fuck about a crass punk kid
trying to escalate from that position did not work
i was kicked out of the group. meaning all of my writings were locked in there, still on the table for that group, i, as author, stripped of access to my own words. unable to even have access to delete them.
wasnt just: you are kicked out
it was: kicked out & all your shit is forfeit to us
it took another junkie, a very well constellated, thoughtful, eloquent one, who did have some pull due to the poise she forever kept herself in while in that group, to advocate on my behalf that allowed me to return. re-admitted. have access to my words again.
so the chain of this:
someone came to me really upset
i flipped out on her behalf for her for everyone
i got nailed for it
my friend in better standing got me back in
so it tends to go
cos that is how i prefer it
that is charity
covering what you can cover
taking what you can take to take it off someone else who cant take it
were we, the three of us, junkies freeloading on mark's back & thus deserve whatever the fuck at whatever price to us because who are we what are we? worth something in aggregate as data & meaningless as individuals?
i can only throw stuff out there
i dont have answers
but some shit feels really wrong in the trenches
nostr isnt the jungian shop to me
but its important to know i was there & there was fuck shit like a lot
a funnier anecdote so this can be a little lighter,
it was funny to me when jungian muslim converts could barely stand to be courteous around me due to my frequent cursing. which, a profesh jungian analyst friend like lifelong career thing is an enthusiastic supporter of, btw. like half of it was in homage to her. bowing to her. gesturing her way in gratitude then for her to see, as now, for her not to see, but for her to still know, somewhere out there, shannon.