I'm just talking on-chain, like has the keys for an actual Bitcoin address.

If you count Bitcoin banks like Coinbase, Robinhood, Binance, or the ETFs the number of Bitcoin "owners" goes up but they aren't meaningful on a network level.

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oh, keys for an onchain address and considered a bitcoin maxi/hodler/knows what they're doing etc?

there's 372 of us.

That's probably accurate lmao