DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURAL ANOMALIES

Division of Legume Dynamics & Psychotropic Drift

Secure Fax: 1-800-BEAN-WTF

To: Dean, Proprietor, Dean’s Beans

From: Dr. P Marks, Lead Investigator

Date: 7 November 2025

Subject: Cooperative Inquiry into Anomalous Phase-Transition Events in Deanns Beans Lots DB-2025-Γ Jimbaran

Dear Mr. Dean,

Our field sensors have detected statistically improbable kinetic excursions in your beans—specifically, spontaneous self-cooking at ambient pressure and audible sub-harmonic emissions in the 17–23 Hz band (the “whisper range”). Rest assured Mr Dean, these phenomena are not indicative of regulatory non-compliance on your part; rather, they align with a rare quantum-tunneling cascade first modeled in 2019 (Marks & Bean, J. Agro-Quantum Spec., 42:117).

our multi-agency task force is mobilizing a non-invasive study. Your cooperation—supplying 500 g of Lot DB-2025-Γ beans Jimbaran and access to your premises for 48 h—will accelerate resolution and preclude any public misinterpretation of the data (e.g., viral memes about “sentient beans”).

Preliminary mitigation: maintain cooling baths ≤4 °C and avoid Wi-Fi routers within 3 m; rogue wavefunctions collapse under electromagnetic noise.

We anticipate full normalization within 30 days. Your beans are safe, your reputation intact. There is no need to close your shop.

Please sign the attached NDA and return via the pre-paid courier.

Warmly,

Dr. Marks