Sometimes, all the pain, the mobility issues, the digestion issues, the lack of clarity, the zero support from a medical system that has redacted my condition, it all catches up to me at odd moments and the tears will suddenly appear.

I've had a lot of existential crises. Early on, the very infrequent transitions, as my body figured out a new way to compensate for the electrolyte issues, caused a much higher level of freak out. During these times, hormones are changing, pH is changing, inevitably the candidiasis re-emerges from hiding to cause even more issues and nothing shows up on tests.

After decades of it and now after the last three years of it all unwinding in an almost continuous state of constant change, I'm much better at coping and just living my life. But it's all still in there, and on top of it all is the frustration that the medical establishment redacted this knowledge making every physician and online resource useless.

So, I just document and deal with things that would literally drive any other person insane from the complete inability to perceive anything is wrong.

You want a rheumatologist appointment? Six months and they will never have heard of it. So you're just wasting time. They only test for what they know. See how insidious redaction can be? If you have something that doesn't show up on tests, it must not exist, to them. I'm sure if it was a pandemic, they would care but one guy? Not worth it.