Can shared relay lists help find someone you follow if they’re banned from a mutual relay?

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i mean, i suppose it could. some clients let you view people's shared relays. snort.social lets you do it, for example

"shared" as in published, not "in common with you", i mean

I thought that was their purpose, it should be anyway. I’m just not sure how it would work, but I feel like it should notify you or something.

The idea of NIP-65 is that you publish your read & write relays, so others can post to your read relays and read from your write relays. That should make it possible that you don't need mutual relays, which are anything but decentralised.

https://github.com/nostr-protocol/nips/blob/master/65.md

Thanks for the explanation. I’m guessing clients don’t actually do that yet tho?

based on trying to capture NIP-65 in my Nostr indexer: there are clients that do it, but it's nowhere near as common as stuffing relay lists in the "content" field of a NIP-02 record

I meant if clients read and write to your mutuals’ relays.

Gossip and Coracle do, Snort is working on it.

Yes, this.